CHILDREN AND DIVORCE: HOLIDAY SURVIVAL KIT

If you’re like most newly separated parents facing the first big holiday on your own, you’re probably struggling with some pretty overwhelming emotions. You’re not alone in this; it’s very likely that your children are having some pretty big feelings of their own, as well.  

The holidays are a time of year when, as a child and family therapist, I hear some of the most poignant comments from children of all ages. For example, four-year-old Maria wondered whether Santa would come to her house at all “since nobody loves each other anymore and lots of bad things have happened.” Fifteen-year-old Kevin felt so protective of his mom since his dad left that he was saving up all his allowance and chore money so he could take her out to a dinner in a fancy restaurant on Christmas Day and buy her an expensive gift.

While there are no miracle cures to make the holidays happy again, there are things that you – in collaboration with your ex, if at all possible – can do to make them better for your children and for yourself. Putting your energies on this positive track will likely help to lighten your mood.

Plan ahead and communicate.

1)      Agree well in advance on a specific schedule for the children throughout the holiday period. This may require some flexibility and compromise, but except in cases where they must be protected from abuse or the effects of mental illness, alcoholism or drug use, children want to have loving time with each of their parents and extended families. When you establish a schedule, tell your children so they know what to expect. Then stick to it. This will go a long way toward reducing tension, conflict, and misunderstanding. Having some idea of what to expect helps to reassure children and give them a sense of control in the midst of changes.

2)      Preserve some traditions with extended families, if possible. Talk with your children in advance about their favorite holiday traditions and consider including at least a few of those in your new household’s holiday celebration. For example, one child asked if there could be an “elf on the shelf” at both parents’ homes during the holidays – something that had been a cherished family tradition. Even such simple gestures help to give children a sense of security and stability, reassuring them that not everything in their life is changing. Children benefit from the familiarity of traditions, and these help to reinforce their feeling that they belong to a loving family circle.

3)      Create some new traditions. Think creatively about how you and your children can spend time together in what feels to all of you life a special and meaningful way that can become a new tradition. Like to cook? Make a special Christmas (or Christmas Eve, or first night of Chanukah) pizza together. Like to be active? Plan a special running or walking route that takes you past the best holiday light displays. Whatever you do, focus on being 100 percent present in the precious moments with your children and make these happy times for all of you.

4)      Manage emotions and contain conflict. One of the most important gifts you and your former spouse can give your children is freedom from conflict. Don’t put children in the middle of conflict between the two people they love most. You can take some specific steps to promote their positive feelings. Help your children make a card or gift for your ex and for the grandparents. This will help to teach them the importance of honoring and respecting important people in their lives. Also, support your children’s positive feelings about gifts and good times with your ex, and be especially sensitive to not making them feel guilty about these. This will enable them to build positive memories of holidays so that these occasions are not marred with bitter associations for years to come.

5)      Focus on what really matters. Your children will benefit if you and your former partner coordinate your gifts. Plan together to ensure that they receive a few gifts they especially want. Modest, thoughtful, loving gift-giving helps children feel happy and secure. At all costs, avoid overloading your children with gifts or making your gift-giving a competition for the children’s gratitude.

6)      Create one-on-one time. It’s especially important for children to have one-on-one time with each parent during the busy holiday season. Maintain structure and regular bedtimes as much as possible.  “Snuggle time” and reading together are a great time to listen to their feelings, and tune into their questions, wishes, hopes and dreams.

7)      Make plans for yourself, too. The times when your children are not with you can be very difficult. Set aside time each day to quiet your mind through meditation or a walk in nature or whatever activity brings you a sense of inner peace. That way, if you see your ex at a holiday party with a new significant other, you can face this potentially difficult situation with more resilience. As you think about your schedule, consider what will help you to find some pleasure. Maybe it’s spending Christmas morning with your parents and siblings, as you always have. Maybe it’s hosting a New Year’s brunch and inviting a few favorite people who are also on their own. Whatever you do, plan ahead for your own well being as well as your children’s. Taking care of yourself is important for you – and for them.

My very best wishes for you as you take this next step in life’s journey.

JoAnne

JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, Ph.D., is the author of the award-winning book, “Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce.” More information on parenting through the holidays is included in the book.  

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Divorced or Separated? Five Back-to-School Tips to Reduce Your Children’s Stress

As you check off items on your children’s back-to-school supply list, consider this: Perhaps the most important thing you can do for your children is to help reduce the stresses that arise at the beginning of a new school year – particularly if you are recently separated or divorced.

The research-based tips I will share with you here have been developed particularly for families in marital transition. But the underlying principles can help all children – of all ages – to cope with the stresses of a new school year.

The single biggest question on children’s minds during times of transition is, “What’s going to happen to me?” This is true whether they’re toddlers or teens or any age in between. They almost always experience – and often hide from their parents – a myriad of uncertainties and emotions about what lies ahead.

And then…there’s a new school year – with all its added uncertainties about new teachers, new expectations, different classmates, changes in peer groups, and more. Here, too, their anxiety bubbles up: “What’s going to happen to me?”  They may even fill in the blanks with their own worst fears.

So what’s a parent to do? Here are five proven strategies to reduce children’s stress and help them adjust to changes in their lives.

  1. Listen. Ask your children about their feelings – all of them. Help them to develop a vocabulary to express their emotions and let them know that it is always ok to use words to express how they feel. Whether it’s their (mistaken) belief that they’ll be abandoned because of your divorce or their conviction that this is going to be a terrible year at school, they need to be able to say what’s on their mind. And you need to be able to listen calmly and lovingly and let them know they’ve been heard.
  2. Reassure. Whether they express their fears or not, reassure your children that the love you have for them will never end, and that you will always be their parent and take good care of them. With regard to their anxiety about the new school year, let them know that you’ll be there to help them work through the changes – now and throughout the year.
  3. Clarify. In as much detail as is appropriate for their ages, tell them where they will live and with whom, and when and how often they will see their other parent. Let them know what will change for them and what will not change. Depending on your children’s ages, either encourage them to learn about their schedule and teachers at school, or find out for them. Then help them to clarify what will be the same and what will be different from the past.
  4. Problem solve.  Once you have listened carefully to their concerns and clarified realities, help your children take a problem solving approach.  If they are worried about forgetting things as they go back and forth between homes, create a list of solutions and ways to organize belongings to help transitions go more smoothly.  If they are concerned about all their school-year responsibilities, help them develop a realistic schedule that enables them to see how they can manage everything. Children feel empowered when they have problem solving skills and a plan for dealing with inevitable challenges of daily life.
  5. Plan Ahead. Help children plan ahead and take ownership for what happens next. Young children feel more secure with a calendar on which they color in “mommy days” and “daddy days.” They also benefit if you can plan for them to visit to their classroom before school starts. Older children can take on more sophisticated responsibilities to prepare for what lies ahead – whether it’s moving between parents’ homes or managing all their responsibilities. Getting an early start on school-year routines with earlier bedtimes and family meals also makes for smoother adjustments.

There’s no way to eliminate all the stress from your children’s lives, of course. The beginning of each new school year requires adjustments for everyone in the family. But using these strategies consistently over time can go a long way toward helping them become more comfortable, confident and secure as they face each transition in their lives.